Proud

22 Oct

Tuesday morning, 6am. A new day has begun and before getting ready for work, I feel like writing this.

A few weeks ago I had the courage to walk into the Crossfit box for the very first time. And now, I can’t imagine not going. I can only manage twice a week, but I’m building up to three times now. First thing I do in the morning is check what the WOD is. When I walk into the box, I pretty much look like Bambi, caught in headlights. Scared! Can I do this? But once I get going, I’m off. And I feel so strong and powerful. I do the scaled version of just about everything, but that doesn’t matter. Because I’m giving it my all, the full 100%. And it feels awesome to do that.

I hated P.E. in school. I was always the slow kid, the last one to finish, the one that couldn’t climb the rope etc. The kid that never got picked on the team. I’m still the slow one, the last one to finish, the one that can’t climb a rope. But it’s different now. Because I’m working hard for it, both mentally and physically.

The coaches are great, they motivate me and respect me. The same goes for my fellow CF-ers. And that makes all the difference. Every WOD I find myself doing things I couldn’t imagine I’d be doing. For 1 hour I’m focused on me. The rest of the world doesn’t exist. And when I finish and I high five everyone, I don’t feel like that kid in gym, or the fat person in the gym. I feel awesome. I feel respected and I feel strong. Because I did this! And I’ll get better, stronger, faster along the way.

My ultimate goal: to climb that rope all the way to the top. Yes, the slow kid will do it. Even if it takes me a year or two.

What a great way to start my day.

Sunday thoughts

6 Oct

2 days after my first crossfit workout I went on holiday. 10 glorious, lazy days in Cyprus. Good thing I hadn’t planned anything active, because I sure felt my body! And yes, I was very thankful to find out that my apartment there had a bath. Soak and relax those muscles.

For the first time ever I kept my ‘mode’ going during my holiday. I did some walking, swimming, push ups, squats, sit ups. Not too crazy, but enough to stay active and focussed. I cooked my own meals and have to say, I did very well. Finding fresh veggies was a bit of a challenge, it took me 4 days to find lettuce. I think I’m the first person on this planet to be excited to buy lettuce!

So, a week ago I came home after a week of lazy days by the pool, reading books and thinking about life. And I came to one conclusion: I’m doing pretty well for myself. I’m learning to realise that this is the one life that I get and that it’s up to me what I do with it. The same thing goes for my body. It’s the one place that will always be a true home to me, so I’d better take good care of it and make it as healthy and strong as possible.

Last Wednesday I signed up for another crossfit class. It was 8pm, I was tired and just wanted to go home. But I went. For a second I felt bad about having to ask for a lower box to step on, when doing box jumps. The fat one can’t do it. It was school all over again. But I shook it off. I’m here to improve myself and this is just my starting point. I do have to remind myself of that.

The coach who was there the first time, was here again now. He was glad to see mee again. He gave me lots of great pointers and motivation. Another coach was great to me as I was doing my ring rows. Others can do pull ups, or band assisted pull ups. I’m not there yet, so what. It will come. I will work for it.

I’m going back again this week, and I’m still scared to go “can I do this?” but excited as well. So I’m going to keep going back, to improve myself.

I’m feeling strong. Both physically and mentally. If I can bring myself to do this and overcome these barriers, there’s nothing I can’t do.

And that is a wonderful thing to realise on this Sunday evening. Bring on a new week!

First crossfit class: check!

19 Sep

I’m able to type this because my fingers are about the only parts of me that aren’t aching like mad.

I had signed up for my very first Beginners class at the 020 box in Amsterdam. Not feeling 100% because of a stuffy nose I asked for advice from a friend who’s a CF fanatic. Nahhhh you’ll be fine. Ehhhh why didn’t she tell me to cancel? I was terrified.

So yesterday the day came. On my way to Amsterdam, I sat on the train and was very nervous. Why? No idea. Not because I was going to go to a “fit people” place. Suprisingly enough that didn’t bother me one bit. What was it then?

I think it had to do with stepping out of my comfort zone. I like it when things are safe. I don’t like change. And this… was change. Because I knew that after this, I had broken through a mental wall. And that scared me. I think that’s why I never managed to lose weight. Because I was just too scared to succeed and to have to pull through. And here I was, going to get my ass kicked physically and mentally like never before. Yikes!

My class was at 1pm and I arrived about 10 minutes before that. When I entered the box, 3 coaches were already at the desk. Erwin (also the owner and a finalist in the Crossfit Games 2013), Mark and Jay. They were all so friendly and reassuring, I felt less nervous already. Got changed, met a girl who’s 2nd time this was and just watched the rest of the group come in.

There were 8 of us in the beginners class and about 3 who did the advanced class.

I had already checked out what the WOD was, so I was somewhat prepared (as if).

Right, time to begin. Erwin explained today’s class. Jump rope and clean & jerk or deadlifts for the beginners.

Warming up: 5 minutes of jump rope. My God, I haven’t done this since I was 12! And I weigh about 250 lbs! Mark coached our beginners class and told that if I thought this was too hard, I could also just step up and down a box. Great individual coaching. But I told him I was going for the jumps. And I did! It took me a while to get the hang of it, but I did and I was alright doing it. No problems at all.

After that, we all grabbed a pvc pipe and did some mobility excercises before doing the clean & jerk step by step.

When we got that down, it was time for some real action. We took a barbell, added some light weights and practised deadlifting. And yes, I admit that I did feel great when I got compliments on getting the technique and form right, where others were struggling.

Phew, jumped rope, lifted, sweat breaking out, face a lovely shade of red, panting like an old horse. And that was just the warm up…. I felt awesome though. I felt strong, dedicated, powerful. And then, WOD time!

The WOD for us newbies was a scaled version of the real WOD.
13 minute ladder of:
30 single unders
1 deadlift
60 single unders
2 deadlifts
90 single unders
3 deadlifts
etc etc.

Mark came up to me and told me to just take it slow, listen to my body. The music started pumping, 3,2,1 goooooo!
And off I went! I took my time to catch my breathe when needed, Mark came to check up on me during and I was proud to have finished with 75 single unders after my 3 deadlifts. That’s 255 jumps! Never thought I could do that.

After that we all cleared our station and did a circle cool down, big applause for everyone and done! My first crossfit class was a fact!
Grabbed my stuff and went home after talking some more there. They said I did a great job and that I can make incredible progress if I keep this up. That was just what I needed to hear.

On my way home I already felt my legs. So I knew I was going to be in pain today. And yes, I am! My upperlegs, hammies, glutes, upper arms, shoulders, abs, back. It all feels like I’ve been under a bus. But it feels so good, because I worked hard for it. Dreading tomorrow though, as day 2 tends to be worse! I’m going on holiday tomorrow, hopefully it well get better soon.

I do understand why crossfit is addictive. Already I want to go back for more. Can’t wait to go back after my holiday.

I’m so happy I took this step. Both physically and mentally. Something tells me this crossfit thing might be a life changer for me. And I can’t wait.

Vacaction time! Or is it?

16 Sep

After 3 months of working like mad, my vacation time finally arrived. Last Friday was my last workday. So time to relax and get ready for my trip to sunny Cyprus end of this week. Or so I thought!

On Saturday I woke up with the cold from hell. It was like 3 months of stress just hit back in one night. Ugh!

But no work to worry about so time to just relax. Right? Ehhhhh wrong! Because of the reorganization at work, today was assessment time. With a head full of cotton, people talking in the room next door and women walking up and down the hall in heels on wooden floors, it’s hard to concentrate. But I did it, I did alright and I’m done with it. The support I got from my colleagues was fantastic.

So can I let go of work now? No, I can’t! Because now I have to update my CV and send it in to HR. More work related stuff to do. Is it Friday yet?

Did I mention that it’s 30 degrees celsius in Cyprus right now? And that it’s already dark, windy and rainy here in the Netherlands? I want to gooooooo!

And if all this isn’t enough torture, I planned my first beginners class at my crossfit box on Wednesday. Why? I know I probably won’t be able to move until Sunday. Again, why? I must be mad! I’m actually more nervous for this than I was for my assessment. I just want to get this over with, I need to break through that wall.

Again, why am I doing this?

But now, it’s Monday night. Class of red wine, my cat is curled up next to me and a double episode of Grey’s Anatomy is on tv. Time to relax. For now. *sigh*

First whiff of crossfit

7 Sep

And another week just flew by. Whooooosh, did you see that? For the first time in 3 months I was able to slow down a bit at work. Bliss! I noticed the difference when I came home on Friday. A week ago I came home, ate, cried and fell asleep. Now I felt relaxed, watched some tv, talked to a friend and gently went into the weekend.

Ahhhhh relaaaaxxxxx. Well that was until my cat woke me up at stupid o’clock demanding attention and food. Sigh. Oh well….

Last Wednesday my friend told me she was going for her first crossfit workout since her vacation. Do I want to come watch? I told her I’m interested in starting but I was nervous about what kind of people would be around there. I think that’s every newbie’s nightmare. Especially when you’re a fatty. So, I went to meet my friend at the box. Just to check the place out.

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It was awesome. Lots of different types of people. Although I have to admit, I didn’t see any really overweight people. But then again, I hardly see overweight people at my regular gym either. I talked to a few people there and everyone was friendly, encouraging and motivating. I’ve heard a lot of great things about the crossfit community and I think those stories are actually true.

I watched the WOD and thought: I want to do that. I want to kick myself into shape in a way that 45 minutes on the elleptical trainer just doesn’t do for me.

So, I’m going to do a free trial session and then take it from there. The box is pretty much next to where I work so no excuses there.
comfort zone

Am I excited? yes. Am I terrified? Hell yes!

Back on the wagon!

1 Sep

Writing my somewhat depressing note from yesterday really helped me to get me back on track healthwise.

I had a couple of bad days, but decided that I can’t let that discourage me and that I can’t let it be an excuse to mess up completely.

So, today I ate my normal, healthy food. I drank my 2 liters of water. I did a workout of 5 rounds of 10 squats, 10 sit-ups and 10 on knee push ups. I could hardly bring myself to doing it, but I felt great afterwards. So I broke through that wall again and I am back in workout mode.

I have a nice collection of motivational quotes by now, so I decided to make a collage of the ones that speak to me the most. I’m going to print it out and put it in a frame as a reminder.

collage

I’m feeling more energetic right away, now that I’ve set the record straight and I’m making the right choices again.

I can’t change the situation at work right now, but things should get better soon. The only thing I can change is me. How I take care of myself, how I stick to my goals and how I handle it when I slip up.

Because I will slip up again, no doubt about that. I’m human afterall. Slipping up is not the main issue, how to go from there is. And I proved to myself that I can pick myself up again and go on. That gives me so much confidence for the rest of this journey.

So, I’m a wreck no more. Yay me!

gettingup

What a wreck

31 Aug

Why is it, that things can go great for you and still at times you feel like an emotional wreck, for no reason?
As you can guess, I’m feeling like that right now. What triggered it? It’s probably because I’m just really tired.
Work has been madness. With people away on sabbatical, vacation and some being sick for months now, it basically leaves me doing the work of 4 or 5 people, 5 days a week, for 3 months now. I’ve been working with 1 other colleague, who then went on vacation when another one came back. They work less hours than me.

So it’s been madness and I’m done. I’m tired, I’m cranky and I’m low on energy. 2 more weeks until my 2 weeks off and I am counting the days.

work

I’ve hardly been working out last week and I’ve been struggling with my eating. Nothing too crazy, but not how I want to do it. How I should be doing it. I made a promise to myself and I’m struggling to keep that promise. But I don’t want to be too hard on myself either. I find that hard though. I look at my body and I hate it. I want to change it so bad and I’m working hard for it. That’s why I feel horrible when I sabbotage myself like this by not working out and by eating the wrong stuff.

Add to that some ‘man-issues’ and the package is complete: work, love, looks, health.

I’m was getting emotional by looking at just about anything. Something on tv, a picture. Heck, I was catching up on Glee today and that got me into tears big time.

So, where do I go from here. I’m not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself. That’s not helping. Tomorrow, new day, new chance. Working out, eating properly and looking forward to my Cyprus holiday in a few weeks time.

Time to pick myself up and kick some ass again. Time to motivate myself. I know I can do it!

motiivation

Saturday ramblings

24 Aug

And another week went by, whooooosh! I’ve done pretty well, but haven’t been able to workout as much as I had planned.
But I did my fair share, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I have another circuit training planned for today, so I will make up for it by doing push ups, squats, dumbell rows etc. etc. I love those exercises. They make me feel strong and powerful eventho well… I’m not hehe.

brain

I weighed in again today and lost 6 kg in total now. So that’s 5% less than my starting weight and what sounds even better: 12% of the total amount I want to lose. So I’m doing a happy dance now! Especially since I’m not depriving myself of anything. I’m never hungry, I don’t have cravings, I just make the right choices. And the loss of those kilos is not even my main goal. It’s more of a tool to measure my progress. My goal: become healthy and strong.

Work has been extremely busy and I’ve been really tired. I have 2 weeks off in September and I am so counting down the days. After my time off I will have to deal with reorganisation stress at work, so I decided to be kind to myself and I booked a 10 day holiday to Cyprus. Second time this year I’m going there. I just love Cyprus. In 4 weeks time I’ll be enjoying the sun by the pool, holding a cold drink. Can you tell I’m excited? Good thing is I will have a mini-fridge in my room there, so I can buy stuff at the supermarkt and continue to eat healthy. With a cheatmeal every now and then. I don’t want to come back and have to start all over again.

beach

So, that’s my recap of this week. I’m feeling good. Just had my yummy scrambled eggs with a bit of salsa mixed into it, sliced tomato and avocado and a steaming cup of black coffee. Time to get ready for the day. I’m going out to buy my 2 jars and marbles to keep track of my weightloss as I wrote about in a previous blog.

Happy weekend everyone!

Is this really me?

18 Aug

Last Friday, I truly amazed myself. For a while now, healthy eating and working out regularly has become part of my life, part of my daily routine. But like I said, I surprised myself last Friday.

My work week has been hell. Understaffed, major workload, lots of pressure. By the time Friday afternoon came, I was done! All I wanted to do was go home, have my dinner and veg out on the couch. I had my 3rd workout of the week on Thursday, but it didn’t go very well. So I decided to take my gym bag to work on Friday, to go straight after work to make up for that.

And honestly, I felt like skipping it. But something stronger in me said: hang on, so you’ll sit at home all evening and feel tired. And then what? Get your ass to the gym and then go home at feel tired, but good tired.

So, I went! And I had a killer workout. I felt proud of myself. For going to the gym instead of going straight home and for chosing to feel good instead of taking the easy way out. The ‘old’ me was never able to do that. I would come up with a zillion excuses for not going.

excuse

After 2 days of well earned rest, I’m packing my bag for tomorrow. And feeling good about it! Bring on a new week!

victory

No more sidelines

11 Aug

This morning, I was talking to my friend. We’ve been friends for 10 years now and physically she’s the opposite of me. She’s in excellent shape, does Crossfit 3x a week, does running and she’s always full of energy. A few months ago I was talking to her about my continuing struggle with my weight and health. I’d been going to the gym 3x a week and was amazed by the progress I made. When I started out on the elliptical I died after 10 minutes. Then I managed to do 5km or 45 minutes non-stop.

I was talking to her about how I envy people who just go for a run outside and run 5km. I want to be able to do that. But can I? So I started taking up running and to my surprise, I can run. And my body is ok with it, no pain in my knees or ankles what so ever. I’m not going fast, I’m not going far, but I’m going. My friend offered to train with me. So as of September 2nd, she’s going to be my running coach. Our main goal is to have fun, but also to get me where I want to be. She warned me, she will push me. And that’s what I need: someone to push me. To tell me to keep going when I want to stop.

For as long as I can remember, I haven’t been able to push myself physically. In any other aspect of my life, no problem. I’m up for a challenge. But when it comes to my health and exercise, I just haven’t been able to do it. I’ve always been scared to fail. Or that others would think: look at fatty trying to make an effort. How adorable. And funny.

So, I’ve been watching from the sidelines on so many occasions. We had a teambuilding thing with work: indoor beachvolleyball. Sorry, can’t play, I hurt my back. Just an excuse. We went on a 3 day trip to Austria with a bunch of colleagues a few years ago. Everyone went skiing, but me. I hurt my ankle a while ago and don’t want to risk it. Again, just an excuse. And that’s just a few examples that come to mind.

I’m done with not being part of things. And how do I accomplish that? By being healthy, by eating well, by working out and by building my confidence. That is more important to me than any number on a scale. That is not my main goal anymore.

I’m grateful for my friend who wants to be on this journey with me and who wants to invest her time and energy in me. I feel blessed. Our goal is to run the Color Run next year. And I am sure that I’ll be able to do it.

friends

I’ve been hearing her go on and on about Crossfit and I’ve been doing a lot of research myself. And I decided that I want to be able to do that. To challenge myself and amaze myself. Be strong, be confident. Because I know that person is inside me and it’s time to let her out. First step, I’m going to go to the Box with her, to just watch and see with my own eyes what goes on over there. It’s right next to where I work, so no excuses there.

I don’t want to rush into it, because I have to deal with some mental obstacles of my own first. So I’ll start when it feels right for me. And I know that moment will come.
crossfit

There’s a documentary series on YouTube “Killing the Fat Man”. Man is overweight and unhealthy and decides to start doing crossfit. His story is incredibly inspirational.

I’m back at the gym tomorrow morning, 7am. Every day is one more step away from the sidelines.

fail